Dear Parents,
Please allow me to express my deepest condolences to you and your
family during this time. Your daughter was a beautiful child. Every picture I ever saw of her showed a
brilliant and contagious smile. I know there is nothing I can say to bring you
comfort, but unfortunately, I know the pain of losing a child. The whole
idea of losing a child goes against nature. No parent is supposed to
outlive a child, and life as you know it will never be the same. Know that
grief is not linear, it is a non-stop roller coaster, and there is nothing at
Six Flags that can prepare you for the ride. After Peyton’s death, I was inundated by
advice from other people, but the best advice came from people who had already
been in my shoes. I want to share with
you the advice that they shared with me, as well as some ideas from others who
have been there.
First and foremost, take care of yourself. Right now, you
are in survival mode. You can experience
the gambit of emotions within hours. You
can go from sorrow to anger and back to sorrow all in one day. Whether you want to or not, you need to eat,
drink, sleep, and get some fresh air. When Peyton was in the hospital, I
dropped ten pounds because I didn't care what happened. I bargained with
God to take me and let Peyton live, but here I am. I now know I am here
for a reason, and given time, you will know your reason as well, so please eat
something and drink plenty of water with it. It may seem simple to sit on
the couch and lose yourself in mindless television shows (there are more than
enough), but you need to get up and take a walk outside. I know it is
summer and hotter than the hinges of Hell right now, but fresh air and exercise
will help your mood. While you are out, look for dragonflies,
butterflies, and cardinals. There are many that see these as a sign (there
are more here) that our loved ones are still near us. Most of all, breathe. I know it may seem silly to say because this
is normally an involuntary reaction, but sometimes it helps to take a deep
cleansing breath. It may also help calm
you down and help get you focused.
Let others help you. People
will offer their help, take it. It may
be running to the grocery store, doing your laundry, cooking a meal, cleaning your house, sitting in
a room with you when you don’t want to be alone,
or watching your kids so that you can take a nap. There is no shame in asking for help. There are many people that want to help, but
don’t know how. Ask if they would mow the lawn, take your car
for an oil change, or give you a ride if you feel unable to drive. On the flip side, it is okay to tell people “no”. Your friends will extend invitations to you
in hopes of cheering you up. You are
under no obligation to go. If you are
not up to it, then don’t go. True friends will understand. The same goes for family. Just because the family has always gathered at
Uncle Joe’s for Thanksgiving
does not obligate you to go. The first
year is perhaps the hardest, especially the holidays. You can take a pass on them if you want to,
or you can even start your own new traditions.
Go see your doctor. The
stress you are under will tear you apart emotionally and physically. No doubt you have lost sleep, or perhaps that
is all you do. They can advise you on
everything from sleep to diet and exercise that will help. More than likely, they will do a depression screening. Answer openly and honestly. There is no shame in being diagnosed with
depression at this point. With the Hell
you are going through right now, no one will be surprised. Your doctor may prescribe medication to help with
your mood and sleep. If they do, you may
want to consider trying it. They have
your best interest at heart. If you do
not think that the meds are helping, then consult the doctor again about something
else. There is no one sure-fire
answer. However, if you feel that they
are not helping and want to stop, consult your doctor. Stopping some of the meds cold turkey can
have adverse side effects. Sleep is also
important as well. After Peyton passed, I
didn’t sleep well at
all. I had a nonstop hamster wheel going
in my brain, and it never got tired. However, I knew I needed sleep, so I began
to use Ambien as needed. I don’t use it all the time, but even two and a half years later, the
hamster will climb back up there. Your
continued health is important, so maintain it.
Join a support group or counseling, or both. Just like anything else, there is no one size
fits all, so you may go through several groups or counselors before you find
one you like and are comfortable in. I
cannot begin to tell you how much both helped me. My support group has been a blessing to me. My
wife and I didn’t like the first
group we attended. It was a general grief group, and we didn’t feel as though it was a good fit. The second group was specifically for people
that had lost a loved one to suicide, and we were welcomed with open arms. Not only that, we no longer felt like we were
alone in the world. I still continue to
go to this day, not only because it helps me, but I see myself helping others
that are new to the journey, and that helps me as well. I also joined several grief groups on
Facebook (Compassionate Friends is a great place to start). It may seem strange writing
about your grief to total strangers, but it works. Sadly, there are many people throughout the
world that have tragically lost a child.
It gives you the chance to share your grief with others who can
relate. Therapy helped as well. I tried to suck it up at first, but one day,
four months to the day that I lost Peyton, I completely lost my sh*t in the coaches’ office. I sat there and
cried, unable to stop. Eventually, one
of the other coaches walked in and just held me and let me cry. I knew then that I wasn’t going to get through this alone.
I went to several counselors before I found one that felt right. Once I went as far as I could with her, I
stopped going only to discover that I needed more help, so I found
another. It goes like that. There are times when you may need to go
weekly, others when you may only go once a month. You are human, and no one expects you to go
through this alone.
I know right now, your emotions are all over the place. Scream if you need to scream, cry if you need
to cry, go out in the back yard and take an axe to a tree if you think that
will help. You are allowed to cry
whenever and wherever you want to. I
have had to pull into parking lots to cry because something I heard on the
radio triggered me. My wife lost it in line
at a Starbucks when everything just became too much or her. You are only responsible to you at this
point. Talk about your daughter all you
want when you want. There is no time line on your grief. There is no calendar that tells you when you
should be over this because the answer is never. She was your baby, your girl, your daughter. That is not something you will
ever get over. You also need to ease up
on yourself. I know I beat myself up for
the longest time. I blamed myself for Peyton's death, and despite what others told me, I refused to ease up. I kept playing the “if only” game over and over
in my head. If only I had done this or
said that, then Peyton would still be alive.
I was reminded by an old friend about the something I was told long
about using “if”. He reminded me that “if my aunt had nads, she’d be my uncle.” You can “if” yourself into
oblivion, but it will not change the outcome.
Somehow, some way, this was part of God’s plan, and yes, I was really pissed at God for quite a
while. However, I put my faith in God,
and I know that Peyton is in a better place, and he is no longer in pain. Know that where your daughter is, everything is beautiful and nothing hurts.
There are also a few “don’ts” I would like to convey.
Don’t rush any decisions or
make any major decisions right now. The
saying is give it a year. I did that,
and I am glad I did. Looking back, I
would have made some very grave errors in judgement if I had gone with my gut
at the time. Any decisions I would have made would have
led to horrific consequences. Don’t feel obligated to anyone whether it is friends, or work, or
whatever. True friends will understand,
and work will always be there. Neither
of those is a priority for you, you are the priority. Don’t let people talk you into what they think is right. Do what you
want to do. Don’t look for comfort or escape in the wrong place. Avoid alcohol or other intoxicants. Food can be a danger too. They may momentarily dull the pain, but when
the effect wears off, reality will come flooding back with a vengeance. don't get upset if someone says something stupid, especially if they mean well. No one is out to upset you, but finding the right words come hard. Repress the urge to throat punch them. Don't get upset when others move on. Soon, people will go back to their lives and families, but you will still be in this never ending hell. It will frustrate you because you not because of anything that they do, but because their lives are back to normal, and your's will never be again. You will see families together laughing and carrying on, and would will want to scream, "My child is gone! How can you be so happy?" Most of all, don't forget your family. Your kids will need you as much as you need them. Family takes priority over everything, including work. If your coworkers and employer don't understand, screw 'em. You can always get another job, but you only get one family.
Finally, know this, it gets better. Don’t get me wrong, you have a long road ahead of you, and it is going
to suck for a long time. I’s sorry I am being blunt, but I am not going to blow sunshine up you’re a$$ and tell you all will be back to normal soon. It never will. Eventually, you will establish a new normal. Things are going to suck for a long, long time. Then one day, you’re going to wake up, and things will suck a little less, and even
less a week or two later. That’s not to say there won’t be backslides. You will
feel like you are standing in the ocean facing the beach. You will feel the waves hitting you from
behind. One might push you forward, the
next might hit the back of your knees, the next may just wash over your ankles,
only to have the next knock you flat on your face. All you can do is keep getting up, and
bracing for what is to come. Don’t get discouraged because you will learn to live with it. Rely on others, rely on each other, and rely
on your faith. As I said before, there is nothing I can say or do that will
ease the pain. There is no magic elixir
or time line that will lead to happiness.
There are no short cuts or cheats to relieve your pain. There is just time.
During that time, you collect memories of your child. Have people send you pictures and videos of your child, as well as having them write stories and their favorite memories. You can use these to create a memory book. It has been suggested the best way to do this is to set up a memorial page on Facebook and have others put pictures there. Even though physical presence is gone, her spirit can stay with you forever.
As the days become weeks, the weeks become moths, and the months
become years, the pain will recede. It
will always be there, but it will not be all consuming. Rely on friends, rely on family, and rely on
faith, and it will get better. Know that
myself and others are here for you when you need us. There is no favor too small to ignore, and
there is no hour too late or too early to ask.
All we ask in return is that you let us.
Sincerely,
David James
